I'm not quite sure what to say in this blog post.
I'm not even sure what real reasons I have for typing it.
But I just have this need (no... not the Need for Speed)
A need to express myself & all the things flying through my mind at the moment.
Life has been difficult for me over the past 6 years or so. Back when I was 15 I had life as I knew it changed in so many ways. The comfort & support of my home was taken away. The seeming immortality of my family was removed. I began to see how dark this world could really get & how far a person could really fall. My dear bloggers... I did fall so very far & as I look back... I loath whom I became. I became so angry at the world & I hated life so much. I wanted everyone to suffer... Including myself. I suffered with self harm... anorexia... & severe attention seeking. I wanted the world to feel my pain...
But at the same time... I wanted the world to love me... I wanted someone to take away the pain & to make me feel better. But no one could, not really. Oh sure they tired of course & I will forever be grateful for that. But I was still in so much pain.
So how am I now? Well to be honest... I'm still suffering.
Yes I am older & hopefully stronger but I still feel such sadness & pain over the relationships & the different environments that were taken from me.
But the thing is... these situations are still happening... & it sucks!
I am someone who is unlikely to drastically change my location... I could never do what my Brother did & just relocate to Nottingham. But that is a bit of a curse. Because other people... are constantly moving on & leaving me - I just can't handle it.
I used to have so many friends... I had such a close family... But that's all gone now.
Some of it is my fault, I admit that. But a lot of it was out of my control
I felt like I've been getting my life back - I've been making plans & meeting up with people. I've been rebuilding my crumbled social life & I've been trying to feel good.
But people... have gone to Uni... & others are moving away... & it is just so hard to deal with.
In many ways I'm jealous because they're doing what I could never do...
In other ways I'm horrible because I wish they'd hate whatever they're doing & come back...
But mainly... I'm scared. I'm scared of being alone. Of having to be in charge of my own life without anyone to take my hand... to hold me when I cry (yes I am a crying man) & to remind me of who I am & not who I'm scared of becoming (that angry, violent, depressing, manipulative person I used to be).
One day I foresee that I'll be standing alone on a street & I'll have nowhere to go.
I know I need to grow up & stop being so selfish... everyone has a right to go out & do their own thing.
Perhaps I do need to try & learn to be lonely... But I can't help it. Everytime someone goes away I miss them so much. I miss knowing they're there.
.
I'm sorry this blog has been one major rant.
I'm sorry if I upset or offended anyone.
I'm sorry I am so messed up.
But...
To those who have left & are at Uni... I am forever thinking of you & so proud that you are working so hard on achieving so much.
To those who will be leaving soon... I am going to miss you so much. When you leave I will cry. But I will also be jealous. But more than anything else... I will be forever grateful for everything you've done in my life over the years & hope you will touch other people's lives in the exact same way.
To all my friends near & far... I love you all so much. I don't ever want to grow distant from you. You are all forever in my heart... Please know that
