Time for a month by month account...
May
Radar is a very playful puppy who loves to misbehave but is very intelligent and we are starting to understand eachother finally. He loves to play with other dogs and people as well as barking at any "intruders" that happen to walk by the house.
He has seriously tested our patience and is being taken to obedience training every week. He is a pain but we love him. Plus... he has his own song!
June
This was a rather boring month. The majority of the month was spent getting used to Radar as well as the Girlfriend adapting to her new job. However I did see this film in the cinema which has reminded me why I love Rock Music so much and have admitted to myself and the world that, even thought I do not look it, at heart... I am a Rocker - You now have my permission to laugh!
July
Now then... July is the month it all happens!
1.) I start to realise that I am not quite cut out for this job in the cab business. I am most likely too emotional for this job. My depression and anxiety issues (if you did not know about these then I apologise) has made it so that dealing with confrontation or responsibility in the workplace can be quite difficult. I am responsible for the Driver's earning money, as well as making sure we don't let the customers down, working out routes and prices... It's mentally and emotionally exhausting and I do it for 48 hours a week.
2.) It was my birthday and I turned 22! I had to work but I was surprised by a birthday cake from the Girlfriend (She didn't get me a present but said she would do), and two more cakes from two drivers as well as booze and chocolates. It was probably one of my better birthdays. No disappointments because I didn't expect anything.
3.) I broke up with my Girlfriend...
It's not an easy thing for me to talk about... & I probably have no right to divulge it all on here but I shall give a very bitesize version of events...
I wasn't happy & I hadn't been for quite a while. I still loved her but not in the way a boyfriend should do that far into a relationship. I felt trapped and I couldn't give her what she needed. Arguments became a weekly occurance and it wasn't getting any better. I knew that if we were both to grow as people... If we were to be happy... If we were to mature... We needed to be apart... So I broke things off. It wasn't an easy decision to make. I had to talk about it with so many people beforehand. I am such a horrible person and the guilt gets to me sometimes about breaking her heart... But it is something that I truly believe needed to be done. It was for the best...
A photo from when we first started going out (God I look quite young there...) I love this photo because it was when we were both so happy together before the darkness fell upon our relationship. I will treasure our time together forever. I just hope that she will be happy and meet someone who will be there for her in more ways than I ever could be. Thank you Vikkie.
August
Right so now I've just broken a young girl's heart... As well as losing a roommate... a companion... a carer... a lover... a chef... a cleaner... What do I do? Try & discover who I am.
I do not know who I am. I know that I am me but the feelings I feel I cannot comprehend. I feel so lost and alone. So I try and figure out what I am. Try and find something to hold onto...
I start meeting up with my friends, ex girlfriends, former mentors, distant friends - All in the hope of finding out who I am. My counsellor has believed it is a good idea so I continued to do so.
It has been hard... discovering how much people have changed and aren't quite how you remember them. But in many ways it has also been enlightening. It has brought closure to regrets and feelings from years and years ago. I have recovered some of what I lost before going out with Vikkie.
But there is still a problem... As great as all of this has been... I still feel lost... I'm still not sure who or what I should be. I just know that even though I am rebuilding the friendships... I still feel so very alone.
September
The month of September is almost over now and not much has changed from the others months...
- Radar is still a loveable pain.
- I'm finding listening to Rock Music very comforting and hoping to expand my small collection
- I still feel incredibly lost. I don't know who I am... My anxiety and depression are always in the red zone and I fear that soon I'll have a breakdown...
- Work has become even more stressful and I'm looking for a new job
Alcohol has become a friend to me... I'm taking up nasty habits just to try and stay calm... or calmer should I say... I feel like my actions at work are constantly being watched and judged. I feel like I can't trust anyone. My "Dark Passenger" seems to be driving quite a lot... Making me do things I never thought I'd do... think things I never wanted to think... I don't know if anyone can understand what's going on with me... I have this fear that if they looked inside my head... my heart... then they'd run away...
My dreams are haunting me also... I dreamt of Vikkie (the Vikkie I first started dating... not the present Vikkie who I kept arguing with) grabbing hold of me in tears and saying she's sorry. That image is now in my head quite a lot.
I've lost so much... I've gained quite a lot... But I don't know if it's enough. There's still a hole... & I'm falling down it silently screaming for someone to help me.
I'm sorry if this blog has been rather morbid... But this is my life at the moment. I don't know if I'm coming or going. All I know is that I need help...
