Change is here

Hello my very small readership.


It's been a month since I've blogged. When I last blogged I ranted about how 2012 was going to be full of change & all the changes in store for me. What I didn't know was that another big change was going to befall me.


I suppose I could called it a "promotion" - I am now working 4 nights (12 hour shifts) in a taxi firm as the dispatcher for double money (rather than what I was doing originally: 6 days on the phones working 8 hour shifts)


So yes... Change is here. All within one month as well. I do wonder what the next 11 months hold in store for little ol' me. Well I was planning on either becoming a Counsellor or a Film Critic, which I still hope to do in the future - well I suppose more of a film critic at the moment really! But that's something I need to work on. In this day and age, living with my Girlfriend at my Dad's house, I need money.


Which is something this "promotion" can give me: more money and more time off work. But it is proving difficult I must say! My sleeping pattern has changed from Midnight - 7am to 7am - 2/3pm. If I'm working then I can handle sleeping my 8 hours no problem. But the weekends I have off is where I'm struggling most. Last weekend I'd try going to bed at 3am (due to fear of missing out on my weekends if I sleep all day) but wouldn't fall asleep til 5/6am. It wasn't good!


Then of course there's my social life. I hope that when I get used to this new routine that I'll be able to meet up with some friends for coffee in the weekday afternoons (when they're not working) & hopefully see them at the weekends. That plan should be fine.


But I'm a Twitter addict - I don't tweet a HUGE amount but I love to be able to keep contact with my friends easily throughout the day. Seeing as I'm sleeping throughout the day... This has proven difficult. When I get to work at 6pm, I'm usually reasonably busy until midnight which would be when my friends start disappearing off to bed & I feel like I've missed out in some way.


Especially now with the Church disbanding & the Youth group with it... I find my social life has died down quite a bit.


All of this, of course, is causing my emotions to be bouncing around the place. I'm scared of losing the friends I've re-established myself with over the past 2 years. I'm scared of growing up in some ways because I'm having to make adult decisions & start to plan big steps... For example... Maybe moving out some point this year. Naturally I'll keep trying to plan things with the friends... E.g. Cinema trips, meals, coffee meetings etc.


The plus side of sitting around in the early hours of the mornings when everyone is in bed... It's given me the chance to do things I should've done years ago & kept doing since...
I've gotten in contact with people I've upset... or lost touch with... Apologised & trying to build up the relationships again. That gives me something to smile about (other than the extra money).


I will try & blog more this year. So far it's been me ranting about my new job. No doubt soon I'll find something else to moan about.


Take care everyone

Should old acquaintance be forgot & days of Auld Lang Syne?

Auld Lang Syne is such an amazing song. Although of course it depends which version you listen to. Personally, I like a version with a good beat rather than a choir version. The sort which you can jump up & down to while singing. Really celebrate the New Year.
Which brings me to what this blog is about...

2012 is now upon us boys and girls. So I wish you all a Happy New Year! I hope you kicked off the New Year in a memorable way. I went through a round of Sambuca Shots Roulette. Fun times!

***WARNING - Ranting ahead***

But I must admit I am fearful of the year ahead of me. I fear that this year my life will be turned upside down in many ways. Day 4 of 2012 & I am not disappointed. Since New Years I have been suffering with a horrible cold which has resulted in time off work... missing out on some social things... & lack of sleep. Not fun!


In less than 2 weeks... A very special person in my life, I suppose I could call her my mentor as well as my friend, is moving away to a far away place called Ipswich. Yes... I am talking about Becca. Over 3 years ago she arrived to The Wood & since then (especially in the last 2 years) she has been there for me through the laughs & the tears. I'm not sure how I'm going to cope without her (especially without my weekly coffee meetings). But... I'm very proud of her. Why? Because she's going on to do something truly amazing that she wants to do - That is a wonderful thing. I will miss you B!

Another thing that's happening in less than 2 weeks... Carpenters Community Church is disbanding after decades of service (I say decades because I'm not entirely sure how long it's actually been running so I'm going to say roughly 20 years or so!)
Personally... I've been going there for almost 7 years. The church has seen me at the best moments in my young life & the worst moments. To be honest, the church feels like one great, big dysfunctional family. We all have our history... We all have our problems... & we're all together, supporting each other, possibly disagreeing with each other - Just being a family.

Guess what?!?! It doesn't end there! Due to Carpenters disbanding it means another big part of my life will be coming to an end. When I joined Carpenters all those years ago I also joined the youth group which was called B@. Within this funny, little Youth Group I made many friends... Also lost many friends... But the friends I gained I'll hopefully know for a lifetime because every time I with them, whether it be coffee, cinema or whatever, I cherish it & I cherish my time with them.
   But of course it's been a few years since I actually attended the Youth Group... For the past few years I've been helping out there (with my lovely girlfriend lending a hand if she is able). It doesn't feel like I do much... Taking part in the activities, Extra pair of hands to help out, give my opinions, help with transport etc... I love it. I never thought it could end. I always thought that it would go on for years & I'd still be helping out here & there if I could.

So the loss of all these things will cause quite a big whole in my life. I'm not quite sure how I'll fill that gap.


But some exciting things are happening I have to say! (Can't always be such a pessimist!)


Over the past few months there has been some fundraising for a special little project my friend Bobby has been organising. She, along with some other trustees (me!) & volunteers are setting up a FREE Tutor Centre (called Apollo Tutors) for Secondary Schoolers. It is a very exciting project & I hope to be lending my support in anyway I can!


Then of course there's the Rootz Film Club. Becca (that Youth Worker person I mentioned earlier) set up the club months & months ago in the Rootz Coffee Shop. Originally it there were two clubs: 11-18 year olds & 18+. But due to the 18+ not being as popular as we'd like (which is quite upsetting because I used to love it) there is not only the "Teen" club.
Why is this exciting? Beeeeeeeeecause... With Becca departing soon (*cries*) the running of the club will be taken on by myself & some other lovely individuals (e.g. the lovely Claire) So you see... EXCITING!!!


& finally... I'm to make a decision. I've never really been 100% sure what I want to do with my life. I used to think I wanted to do Youthwork but began to think that wasn't really the right job for me. Then I thought that maybe I should go into Counselling but something was always holding me back.


But I began to realise something. I love helping people. I really do. But something I've always had a passion for... is Film. All my life I've been obsessed with watching films (which has increased majorly over the past year or so) & when I was 16 & trying to decide what I want to do with my life... I never thought about going into something to do with Film.


So now... my decision is... To go into Counselling... Or to go into becoming a Film Critic (Crazy right?)


Either way I need to apply to do a part time course. The Counselling course is more expensive & is further away. Buuuut the Creative Writing Course (which will help my writing skill + help me get into becoming a Film critic) is closer, cheaper & sounds more fun.


I know what the obvious choice is but I really don't know what to do.


2012 is going to be a very interesting & life changing year indeed!

Tis the season to be jolly, Fa la la la la, la la la la!

"It's Christmas time, there's no need to be afraid
At Christmas time, we let in light and we banish shade

And in our world of plenty, we can spread a smile of joy!
Throw your arms around the world at Christmas time"

Now that is possibly my most favourite Christmas song. I remember listening to it over & over again during my childhood, adolescence etc. I still love listening to it now. When it the song gets to my absolute most favourite bit "Feed the world!" I feel something inside. I feel the need to just scream that out. It is truly amazing song.

Now the reason I am blogging is not to talk about poverty at Christmas time (which is a very big issue all year round... So I recommend you donate!) but to talk about Christmas in general.

Two thousand and eleven years ago a a star shone in the sky... Three men travelled baring gifts... Shepherds travelled with their flock... & a very special baby was born in a manger - Now that story is something to be absolutely happy about! (Well.. ecstatic really!)

I remember my Christmas as a young boy was all about family. I'd spend a whole day decorating the living room with my Mum. I'd spend almost everyday watching Christmas films & drawing Christmas cartoons. Spend an evening writing out all my Christmas cards. Christmas Eve I would spend the day pigging out on sausage rolls Mum would make for work before I'd spend the rest of the night watching more Christmas films.

 Then Christmas day I'd wake up at the crack of dawn & force my parents downstairs so I can open some presents... Then I would wait until both my Grandparents came over...possibly with my Aunt in tow as well... We'd eat a magnificent meal with several different choices for dessert... Then I'd dish out the rest of the presents to everyone... We'd fall asleep to the Queen's Speech... Have a bit of a buffet supper (using leftover OF COURSE!)... Finally we'd just watch more TV & eventually everyone would leave & the manic day would be over. I loved it!

Oh the memories I have of...
- My Mum & Nan opening a special present from my Aunt. They opened the present to discover baby's shoe inside. Yes people... That is how my Aunt told them that she was pregnant! (An idea I may have to steal in the future - if that ever happens!)
-Baby Cousin's first Christmas (He was spoilt rotten more than I ever was!)
-Opening a giant present which turned out to be a toy car for me to ride around in
Ahh memories.

But somewhere along the way... You grow up. Not only that... But your eyes open up. You start to see things. Especially at Christmas!

I've started to notice it... Especially this year.

• My Boss getting incredibly stressed with all the things he has to do before Christmas
• How everyone is getting so stressed with buying presents & not having enough time or inspiration
• People are worried because they fear they don't have enough money
• How bad things seem to happen around Christmas (e.g. Relationship break ups)
• The fact that as much as young people love snow... Adults truly hate it
• Trying to schedule when you can see your family

I have to admit... I am not in the most Christmassy of moods this year - Which is really sad.

But that is because I am ignorant. I shouldn't be focusing on the negatives about Christmas (No matter how easy it is)

I think we should all do something.
I think we should just stop.
Stop focusing on the money, presents, bad relationships... whatever.

We need to focus on the good things. We have family. We have shelter. We have friends. Do we really need anything else on Christmas?

Well yes... we do. We need to also remember... Remember that little baby who was born for us.


Live life to the full & enjoy every second we can!

Oh & Merry Christmas!!!

My past. My present. My future.

My blogs aren't always friendly & random. Sometimes they represent anger. I don't want to come across as too much of an angry person. So through collages... I'm going to introduce you to me. My past. My present. My future.

My past (Birth - 18 years)

 My Present

My Future

The wonderful thing about the future... it's unpredictable. Always full of surprises.

I can't sum up my future in a collage because, obviously, it hasn't happened yet.

I know scary times are heading my way but I can't predict how scary they're going to be. Or if they're even going to happen.

So the best way to sum up my future... Is a question mark

Fabulous Friday Fives

This is going to seem like a really out of the blue, completely random blog.

But you see, I'm inspired.

I'm inspired by the "Ten Things I'm Thankful For Tuesday" blog done by the fabulous Becca Dean
& the "Thanks on Thursday" blog done by the lovely Claire Maxwell.

So here I go... about to list five reasons why today is a FABULOUS day!!!

1.) It is 11/11/11 - How cool is that?!?! We wont get to experience this day for another 100 years when it'll be 11/11/111 (because it'll be the year 2111 & I have no idea how they'll decide to record the years - whether it'll start again & be 11/11/11 or they'll go up in hundreds & the day will be 11/11/111 but never mind.

This day is still a special day for weirdos like me who find it extra special. Then again some people (the same sort of people who thought 06/06/06 was judgement day) believe today is the end of the world - well it sucks to be you people because that's just depressing.

Although I have to give it to you! If today was the end of the world & you truly believed that it was... hopefully you lived life up to this moment as amazingly as possible (which, to be honest, you should be doing anyway)

2.) Tonight is the Rootz Youth Film Club in Chorleywood!!! Oh yeah!!! I love this time of the month. Why? Because once I've helped set up all the bits & bobs I get to sit down in the most amazing coffee shop in the area (I am not joking. It is AMAZING) & have a much needed cup of coffee or treat myself to a lovely Oreo Milkshake & watch a film. It may be an old film or it may be a new film BUT BUT BUT it doesn't matter.

The company is lovely, the drinks & snacks are lush, the films are pretty awesome (if I do say so myself) & it's just such a pleasant way to spend a Friday night. Oh yeah & the youth are alright too.

This would be us setting up :) This picture is found on Becca Dean's review of the coffee shop xx

3.) The fact that I haven't experienced everything in this world. That is something so incredibly random to find fabulous. But seriously... IT IS!!!

There I was sitting in Rootz (see above) having a coffee (a sort of warm up coffee before the film club... oh & chit chats with the lovely Claire x) & I hear about all sorts of things I could do & have never experienced. I heard more about The Rex Cinema which I really can't wait to go to one day soon. It looks so effing good!

I heard more about this pinterest hullabaloo - which was first explained to me earlier in the week by Becca. I find myself wanting to experience it. Whether I like it or not doesn't matter. It's something to try.

Then, finally, I was reintroduced to charity shops. I know that sounds daft but listen... You can walk past a charity shop & think "oh all that stuff looks crap because it's not brand new". Have an open mind please! Because you can walk into a charity shop & you can find the most amazing things... a brilliantly designed pack of cards... beautifully designed mugs... a cheap jacket that is of amazing quality etc. Because I have discovered this... I am going to charity shops more often.

They're so cool!

4.) I survived a day at work.

You see... I work in a taxi firm answering the telephones whenever someone rings for a cab. But it can be a mentally exhausting job because I'm stuck in a little cabin outside a train station & I have to put up with drivers, who are mostly middle-aged or older, moaning about this, that & the other! Also, my coworkers can be rather difficult at times. Oh & the passengers... some are nice... others are rude.

But today... nothing got to me. I joked, I worked, I had a longer lunch break than I was meant to & I got in later than I should.

All in all... a good day!

5.) Finally today is fabulous because I have so much to look forward to over the next few months.

From cinema trips to meals to the most random of things with the lovely Girlfriend & lovely friends.

It's going to be epic!

Me

This is about me.

Who am I? The answer is: I'm seriously messed up.

I suffer from anxiety that strikes me in the most annoying situations (For example: social situations, being in locations I'm not familiar with etc).

I have a small family that has been through so much & one side of my family is still so distant. I'm trying to rebuild it for myself... because I miss them. I miss them so much & I'm afraid that when my friends leave me... I'll be all alone. I need family to support me... & the only ones who have any hope of understanding me... of supporting me... have either died... or lost contact.

A person who means a great deal to me is leaving my life... as so many other people have done in the past... & I'm scared that, like all those other people, contact will be lost & it'll feel like they were never in my life in the first place...

I'm scared that everyone else who is currently in my life will see me for what I am (or as someone I know would say: What I believe I am) & that they'll run away.

I'm also scared that people are hidden behind masks. That the mask they're waring is a smile but underneath... they're truly laughing at me. Laughing at my weight... my looks... my mistakes... my stupidity... everything.

I hate my job. Sure it's ideal because the pay is good & I'm able to do other things as well as work such as youth work, films, admin, social etc. But I hate it. I work with idiots. Idiots who fart & don't care even though it makes me feel sick. Idiots who smoke around me & don't care. Idiots who take the piss out of me constantly. Idiots who belittle me. Idiots who moan constantly about money & about work. Everything gets to me & it's mentally exhausting for 6 days a week.

I'm jealous of everyone. I swim in a sea of envy. I envy people's confidence. I envy people's family. I envy people's friends. I envy people's jobs. I envy almost everything about everyone. Because they're not me.

I feel so little in the world that I feed off attention & admiration. I wish that I could have some sort of recognition. But no. That will not happen.

I fear my future because I know more pain is coming my way soon. I think my Gran is going to die soon, she always looks so weak. I'm scared of going to the Doctor's because I'm afraid of what they'll tell me... that I have some illness that I don't even know about...

This is my life. This is what I think about everyday. & it drives me insane.

There's nothing quite like a busy weekend

Thursday night - Time to challenge myself

Well lets see now. I started my evening off with chicken & mushroom sauce with rice - a rather odd concoction from my bizarre but lovely girlfriend.


Then I decided to dive into the deep end & volunteer at a different youth group. I've considered doing this before but the time just never seemed right because of my err anxiety issues. I did attend before but no one turned up which, to me, felt like a sign. Nevertheless last Thursday I went along to a Film Night at the Youth Group (My speciality if I do say so myself) so I brought along some DVDs & see what I thought.


The youth aren't really my cup of tea. I mean they're not the sort of people I'd hang out with regularly. I suppose if I were to stereotype them (which I try to avoid doing) I'd call them "chav". This doesn't mean I dislike them. Far from it. It just means they may find it difficult to relate with me if that makes sense?


Anyway... moving on...


They all started watching a film & I stayed in the kitchen talking with one of the Ladies who runs the Youth Group to find out more about it (because I'm a nosey sod). I have to admit it does sound really good. One of the youth came in & started talking with the Youth Leader about all sorts of gossipy stuff & I loved it. I didn't say anything because they didn't know me & I didn't feel it was my place but I did love hearing about their lives (& while this was going on I was enjoying the most amazing sweet popcorn EVER!!!).


By the end of the evening I really did feel like this is something I could try to help out with... this is something I want to give a go. Sure it may blow up in my face (like the Prince's Trust Programme) but if I stuck at it... Maybe, just maybe, I could make some positive difference to these Youth's lives. Time will tell!

Friday - Fright Night @ Chessington



Such a busy day! I woke up at 6:30am so I could have a shower & relax for a little bit (some time on the Xbox too hehe) but then off I went to Chessington for a day out with my regular Youth Group.


Because it was Fright Night & Halloween was approaching - the Theme Park was PACKED! Not joking... We had to park in a field because their normal car park was overflowing that much! (My SatNav was not amused). Then into the Theme Park we went.


I was put in charge of my own little Youth Squad. The only little problem with my Squad was one particular young person who I shall call... Tarzan :) Tarzan is a very impatient person. He decided that 30 mins was far too long to be in a queue & so he complained. & complained. & complained. But he soon learnt that 30 mins in a queue... is a blessing compared to the other queues that day.


All in all it was a great time at the Theme Park. Many people conquered fears. One youth went on a ride for the very first time! One youth leader decided to headbutt a sign. Two lads dressed up in a shirt & tie as a statement - oh dear. But what was the most pleasant part is that I got chatting to the Youth & the other Youth Leaders & it was great. I began to feel so comfortable with them & loved hearing everything they'd talk about. It was great.

Not only that but... Chessington was the first Theme Park I went to where I could actually go on the rides (my family used to go to Alton Towers but I was always too young) so it was strange walking around the place remembering being there going on the rides for the first time over a decade ago!

The only downside to this time at Chessington was...
Getting a phone call at 6pm asking me to work a 12 hour shift the very next day!
& the last ride...

 Quite a lot of the Youth & Leaders went off around 6pm - a nice sensible time. But one group wished to stay to go on the Vampire Ride which I decided to go on as well. How foolish of me! The queue time said 100 mins... It felt so much longer. Sure the ride was fun to do in the dark... but the queueing was murder! Each time we believed to be getting closer to the ride... we discovered we were still aaaaages away. This did not bode well... Especially as the Girlfriend & I had a dinner appointment with some people at 9pm & we were still queueing at 8:30pm lol

Friday Night - Dinner with the Peeps!

Once we eventually rode Chessington... I had about 15 mins to travel 43 miles... Yeah that was impossible. My SatNav was no help either. I was in a queue of cars on our way out of the car park (the only way out) & my SatNav wanted me to do a U-Turn... Oh dear!

But I would not give up... & I did end up late... but only by 15 mins. I had never concentrated on driving so much in my life!

By the time we reached Frankie & Benny's the peeps were already in convo & laughing together. The girlfriend & I sat down but I already felt so out of place. I know I should have made the effort & talked but it was so difficult to do! Why? I had spent a whole day surrounded by people & I was just so... tired. Not only that but do you ever feel like you just need some time to yourself? To mellow? Well that's how I felt. I hope I didn't spoil any one's evening - there's always that fear.

Saturday - The most boring day at work ever!

After 4 hours sleep I woke up at 5am & headed off to work for 6am. At work in a cab firm... You can have so many different type of days...
You can be busy where the phones are constantly ringing & you just want to yank your hair out.
You can have a steady day where the phone rings here & there... The cars are moving to-and-fro...
Or the most boring shift imaginable...

Where the phone is hardly ringing... you have 10 taxis sitting outside the office... & you have taxi drivers moaning on & on & on.

The only blessing about Saturday is because I felt so unbelievable tired... for some reason... time seemed to be moving quite steadily.

So my readers! That was my weekend. Sunday isn't worth mentioning because I spent the day either at the Pub with Girlfriend & Dad or on the Xbox.

I hope you found it riveting!