Me

This is about me.

Who am I? The answer is: I'm seriously messed up.

I suffer from anxiety that strikes me in the most annoying situations (For example: social situations, being in locations I'm not familiar with etc).

I have a small family that has been through so much & one side of my family is still so distant. I'm trying to rebuild it for myself... because I miss them. I miss them so much & I'm afraid that when my friends leave me... I'll be all alone. I need family to support me... & the only ones who have any hope of understanding me... of supporting me... have either died... or lost contact.

A person who means a great deal to me is leaving my life... as so many other people have done in the past... & I'm scared that, like all those other people, contact will be lost & it'll feel like they were never in my life in the first place...

I'm scared that everyone else who is currently in my life will see me for what I am (or as someone I know would say: What I believe I am) & that they'll run away.

I'm also scared that people are hidden behind masks. That the mask they're waring is a smile but underneath... they're truly laughing at me. Laughing at my weight... my looks... my mistakes... my stupidity... everything.

I hate my job. Sure it's ideal because the pay is good & I'm able to do other things as well as work such as youth work, films, admin, social etc. But I hate it. I work with idiots. Idiots who fart & don't care even though it makes me feel sick. Idiots who smoke around me & don't care. Idiots who take the piss out of me constantly. Idiots who belittle me. Idiots who moan constantly about money & about work. Everything gets to me & it's mentally exhausting for 6 days a week.

I'm jealous of everyone. I swim in a sea of envy. I envy people's confidence. I envy people's family. I envy people's friends. I envy people's jobs. I envy almost everything about everyone. Because they're not me.

I feel so little in the world that I feed off attention & admiration. I wish that I could have some sort of recognition. But no. That will not happen.

I fear my future because I know more pain is coming my way soon. I think my Gran is going to die soon, she always looks so weak. I'm scared of going to the Doctor's because I'm afraid of what they'll tell me... that I have some illness that I don't even know about...

This is my life. This is what I think about everyday. & it drives me insane.