I promise I wont let you down if you take my hand tonight

It's weird how our minds our programmed to respond to various situations we come across. If we're attacked or in danger then we have the "Fight or Flight" response to it. If we're upset we either bottle it in or break down & cry. But what do we do (I'm using the "Royal We" here... & no I don't mean the "Royal Wee"... who'd want to see Liz on the loo?) if we're presented with a situation that requires ourselves to give up a part of ourselves... our time, our money, our knowledge, our experience etc... then what would be the normal response?


If I was to be honest (which is the whole point of my blogging) I could honestly say I don't know what the normal response is. All I can tell you is what my response is.


Last night I received a phone call at 10pm asking whether I'd be able to work the next day & night (so all in all doing an 18 hour shift give or take) because the person who was meant to do the night shift had let my Dad down, yet again I might add, so asked me. Now the problem with my "programming" is that if I foresee that I could be available, even if I do not want to do it, I still accept because I'm scared of letting them down & feeling that it is my fault.


Times like that I hate.


But there are other times when I'm asked to help out with things for my own enjoyment (which you have to admit is the best kind of help) such as... off the top of my head... helping out with youth work.


Sure youth work can drive me (& probably the Youth Worker) a little bit crazy at times. But it really is such a privilege to watch these teenagers have fun & grow up. You get the situations when we're doing social/physical activities where some of the teens get a little out of hand (off the top of my head... experimenting with different ways to play golf... even if it's not their go) but you get to have so much fun.


Those times I do love & I love the people I get to work with :)


Of course then there are the times when you're asked for help & you want to. Such as being asked to read or write speeches... being asked to help set up for various things like Film Clubs etc... & I agree to do them when I can because I like pleasing people.


Then then then there are the times where I don't think. Where everything gets put to the side & I just do it. Where I've had to leave work or cancel plans without any real thought of the consequences. Yeah when I read that it does seem quite stupid but I feel such a pain in my chest if I don't do it & it just eats at me.... This is when someone is in trouble... physically or emotionally... or even if they need a lift somewhere... Off I go to rush to their side. One day this could be the death of me but alas... it's in my programming.


There have been times where I've had to run (& walk when I was out of breath) to some one's side during a family crisis after I had a knackering day at school. I've had to leave work halfway through the day to try & comfort someone who was also having an emotional time. I once drove from home to an area I was completely clueless about (& I got lost as well... I refused to use the SatNav... Idiot).


I hope I'm a dependable person & it really does kill me sometimes that I can't be available all the time. I wish I could do more for people. But there are times (especially the last 2 years) where I just don't have the energy or I need to focus on myself instead of others and I hate it so much.


Some of my proudest moments have been when I help people. There have been many sins I've committed over the years & although I've begged for forgiveness (from people... from God...) I still believe that I need to make up for it... even though I refuse to forgive myself...


So there is my blog about how I let people depend on me &... essentially... how I depend on people. Sorry if it's a bit of a ranting blog again but I hope you enjoyed it :)

Diary of a Wimpy Kid

Dear Diary,

Throughout my life there have been many situations. I have witnessed family break ups, bullying, abandonment, death, hospitals & depression (which I've apparently been through myself - or so the doctor's have told me).
   Thanks to my experiences of all things crappy I have also been labled many things: depressed, angry, user, bully, manipulator, manwhore, immature, superhero, rock & various other things. So thanks to the support of friends I have been to see Doctor's & Counsellors to deal with these things I've been through.
    I've been with my latest Counsellor for quite a few months now and we discuss all sorts of things from holidays to families to christmas to school to work to people. I have even discussed with him my routines... How I'm picky about food, that I get a bit frustrated if my routines get broken. We even discuss how I sometimes notice even the smallest things about my surroundings (such as I can notice when a window in a room is not shut properly) and how I'm never comfortable if things aren't quite how they should be.
    An example of that being something like... The thought of camping terrifies me because I can't bare to think of not being in a bed... not being able to have decent toilet or shower facilities... I have even been to sleepovers where I try to sleep on sofas of floors & I can't sleep at all so I end up leaving in the middle of the night.

    So after explaining all these various routines & mannerisms etc over time, my Counsellor developed an interesting theory that he finally shared with me last night. He said I show the traits of someone with Autism.
   Now that statement didn't really throw me. I'm sure it would throw more normal people but not moi. Why? Well...
    During my time at the Prince's Trust when I was helping to run a Personal Development Team Programme I came across a young lad with quite severe Autism. I became quite interested in how he'd perceive things & his reactions. I began to notice similiarities between him & myself so considered that maybe I could be Autistic too & that's why I've always felt odd.
    Hopefully my Counsellor is mistaken & I'm just an odd chap. I know I'm not Autistic but I could just simply be more Autistic than most other people if that makes sense?

   I took an online test... Average people score around 16 & I got 22 whereas people with Autism score 32 or higher. I find it's a load of codswallop!!! How on Earth can you answer questions like that honestly? You can try but, in my opinion, it always depends on the situation & on my mood.
    Such as: "I enjoy social chitchat" - Do you strongly agree? Slightly agree? Slight disagree? Strongly disagree? Umm... IT DEPENDS ON HOW I'M FELLING!!!

    I hate tests like that so much. I remember taking a similiar test at the Doctor's for depression & I find them sooooo annoying. Plus, maybe other people have different opinions to myself on the answers?

Okay time for me to calm down now... I'm not sure what to do next. I know I'm not a fully fledged Autistic person. I'm not even sure I'm slightly Autistic. Perhaps I have a normalish personality that mirrors Autism. The way I understand it is... If I was Autistic... It's not something that's majorly affecting my life. So I am planning to go on with my life as normal.

Thank you Diary, you have been most helpful in letting me rant my thoughts about this :)

You play the hand you're dealt. So make the game worthwhile.

A Memory

I remember once upon a time I was quite a small boy (which is strange to think about seeing as I'm now over 6ft). My brother & his friends used to be playing card games & I would sit there & watch. I used to love watching them play games but, of course, I wanted to join in. To me it was cool because he was my Big Brother.


But whenever I was allowed to join in... I used to make mistakes because I didn't really understand the game. I used to do things I wasn't supposed to. Such as putting the wrong card down or going when it wasn't my go or just simply... constantly losing.

With them being teenagers & me just a wee lad (wee as in small... Not what I know some of you are thinking) they used to love taking the mickey out of me. I'd get embarrassed & upset - Which would result in me being in a strop.


Ever since then I've been wary of card games... Because some card games are just luck... & others require bluffing, planning & being observant of opponents. With card games you end up having so many rules... Some of which you end up forgetting.


When I got a bit older I used to give card games a go & try to laugh it off whenever things went wrong. It didn't affect me anymore.


The Update


Life has come down hard on me since then : - family, death, relationships, education, work etc etc But lets just say... I have entered the world of depression & am currently fighting my way out (& if I do say so myself... I am making progress).


But I am not coping well in social situations. Oh sure I live with my girlfriend & at work I'm always surrounded by people (albeit middle aged people who don't "get" me) & I even try to help out at youth groups while looking at other volunteering opportunities involving working with people. But when it comes to being surrounded by people of my own age group (give or take some years) who are on the same level as me... It becomes so much more difficult.


I've never really had the gift of gab, I'd always rather just listen to what the other person has to say. But as a society we can't do that. When someone gives to you, you need to give back - I struggle with that so much. There was a time when I get loosened up & can chat, laugh, joke etc. But these days... I freeze. (Unless I've got a bit of alcohol in me... Sometimes...)


I'm probably such a bore. Which is why I'm also incredibly wary about meeting up with people. Sure I meet up with The Amazing Becca every week & I try to ask questions & talk about as much as possible. But that's because I feel comfortable with her. It's just one to one. Nice & simple. When I'm with her (& the girlfriend of course) I feel like my old, confident, teen self.


When it's in groups my manner is: quiet, contemplative & simply kept to myself.


Earlier on today I decided to go to Church (as you do on your day off) because of all the progress I've been making, I thought I could handle it with a smile & be my old self again. To my surprise I was invited round someone's house for Sunday Lunch.


The young adults & a few of the youth at church started to play card games. Personally... I wanted to run away & that be that. But I decided that I have coped with card games in the past so hopefully I'd be able to cope... Uh Oh...


I kept making mistakes... Which, naturally, dampened my already soaked spirits. Because it was a social situation they'd of course make jokes. I understood this completely. I probably would joke as well if I were them. But it still affected me & I'm not sure why. I found it so hard to focus & kept making more & more mistakes.


Where ever I am, whatever I'm doing, whoever I'm with... If I make a mistake... Every sense of my being just wants to run, hide & cry.


I admit that I did enjoy playing cards. When I finally fully understand the rules... I do enjoy it. But when it gets competetive... things go downhill for me. I suppose it just reminds me of how my brother would always beat me at whatever I did & take the p*** about it (& beat me up as well) so I became scared of losing. But that never made me determined to win sadly, it would just make me scared of losing.


I came so close to crying today. Being in that uncomfortable social situation... I felt so drained. Sure I had been working a 12 hour shift the day before so felt shattered & haven't had more than 5 hours sleep a night for almost a week. I ended up cancelling on the Sunday Lunch so I could get some sleep & try to sort myself out.


So my readers... This is how I'm sorting it out... By typing it up. I refuse to give up though, I need to have people in my life. So I will keep working at it. I know it'll take time but in the end it will be worth it.

Ring Ring Ring Banana Phone

Life in a taxi firm is rarely dull (although there are days when I will strong disagree with this). There is always something for me to laugh at or be stressed out with. Today... I've been stressed out.

& why? BECAUSE OF PHONES!!!

In a taxi company it's kind of necessary to have telephones so that people can phone up and we could take the bookings.

So today when the phones started messing about... We'd be half way through the bookings with passengers and the phones would go dead. We'd try to ring up drivers & passengers but the calls wouldn't go through. Then passengers would struggle to get hold of us. Yes... when phones don't work... it sucks.

So I started thinking, as I do, about a world without phones. Imagine that.

How would teenage girls be able to gossip one another in the privacy of their own bedrooms?

How would cowardly guys be able to break up with girls?

How would businessmen be able to organize meetings?

How would foreign salesmen be able to contact us while we're in the middle of dinner? (now that one isn't such a bad thing)

How would we order pizza?

A world without phones... is chaos.

Perhaps we rely too much on them. Sure we rely on all forms of technology from the Smoke Alarm to the Car CD Player (seriously imagine driving for an hour without any music... How rubbish would that be?) But a phone is how we all stay united. Otherwise we just feel so alone.

Hmm... Alone... Perhaps having a phone is more a self esteem sort of thing. So we can stay in contact with other people & they can make us feel good. If that was true for EVERYONE in the whole world then isn't it a bit depressing? That's probably a harsh thing to say.

I am obsessed with my phone. Yes I like to use it to remind myself that I have friends. Yes I like to use it's internet settings while I'm on the go. & yes I like to use it to phone my girlfriend while she's busy doing something else just to annoy her. So yes I could not live without my phone.

If the satelites & phone lines got destroyed in some Alien Invasion... Yes I would cry. Who wouldn't?

But seriously people... aren't phones the most wonderful & annoying things we love in the world?

An All New Blogging Experience

I've decided to return to blogging. But I've decided to make it a whole new experience for me.


Rather than have all the complications I had with "The Ramblings Of A Sweet Maniac"... (which was basically that I had to keep trying to think of a sweet to link with any thoughts I had... Far too complicated!) So I decided it needs to be simple. Sure I may throw in videos, poems etc. Maybe even occasionally change the way I express my thoughts.


But when it all comes down to it. This blog is going to be me. I'm going to try my best to be honest. I'm going to try & keep up to date with my blogs.


I'm quite excited about this blog. My plan is to try & talk about my volunteering experiences (although no doubt it'll be confidential so it's a maybe), my work (as I'm sure you'd all find the lift in a cab firm fascinating), my relationship (if I'm given permission), my education (because I'm hopefully going to do a part time college course) & simply anything I have on my mind.


I doubt my blogs will ever be as popular as Becca the Amazing Youth Worker www.beccaislearning.com or Claire the Blogoholic www.ithinkijustbloggedmyself.co.uk (I hope to receive bonus points for mentioning them in my blog hehe) but I'm still going to try.