It's weird how our minds our programmed to respond to various situations we come across. If we're attacked or in danger then we have the "Fight or Flight" response to it. If we're upset we either bottle it in or break down & cry. But what do we do (I'm using the "Royal We" here... & no I don't mean the "Royal Wee"... who'd want to see Liz on the loo?) if we're presented with a situation that requires ourselves to give up a part of ourselves... our time, our money, our knowledge, our experience etc... then what would be the normal response?
If I was to be honest (which is the whole point of my blogging) I could honestly say I don't know what the normal response is. All I can tell you is what my response is.
Last night I received a phone call at 10pm asking whether I'd be able to work the next day & night (so all in all doing an 18 hour shift give or take) because the person who was meant to do the night shift had let my Dad down, yet again I might add, so asked me. Now the problem with my "programming" is that if I foresee that I could be available, even if I do not want to do it, I still accept because I'm scared of letting them down & feeling that it is my fault.
Times like that I hate.
But there are other times when I'm asked to help out with things for my own enjoyment (which you have to admit is the best kind of help) such as... off the top of my head... helping out with youth work.
Sure youth work can drive me (& probably the Youth Worker) a little bit crazy at times. But it really is such a privilege to watch these teenagers have fun & grow up. You get the situations when we're doing social/physical activities where some of the teens get a little out of hand (off the top of my head... experimenting with different ways to play golf... even if it's not their go) but you get to have so much fun.
Those times I do love & I love the people I get to work with :)
Of course then there are the times when you're asked for help & you want to. Such as being asked to read or write speeches... being asked to help set up for various things like Film Clubs etc... & I agree to do them when I can because I like pleasing people.
Then then then there are the times where I don't think. Where everything gets put to the side & I just do it. Where I've had to leave work or cancel plans without any real thought of the consequences. Yeah when I read that it does seem quite stupid but I feel such a pain in my chest if I don't do it & it just eats at me.... This is when someone is in trouble... physically or emotionally... or even if they need a lift somewhere... Off I go to rush to their side. One day this could be the death of me but alas... it's in my programming.
There have been times where I've had to run (& walk when I was out of breath) to some one's side during a family crisis after I had a knackering day at school. I've had to leave work halfway through the day to try & comfort someone who was also having an emotional time. I once drove from home to an area I was completely clueless about (& I got lost as well... I refused to use the SatNav... Idiot).
I hope I'm a dependable person & it really does kill me sometimes that I can't be available all the time. I wish I could do more for people. But there are times (especially the last 2 years) where I just don't have the energy or I need to focus on myself instead of others and I hate it so much.
Some of my proudest moments have been when I help people. There have been many sins I've committed over the years & although I've begged for forgiveness (from people... from God...) I still believe that I need to make up for it... even though I refuse to forgive myself...
So there is my blog about how I let people depend on me &... essentially... how I depend on people. Sorry if it's a bit of a ranting blog again but I hope you enjoyed it :)
No comments:
Post a Comment