A Memory
I remember once upon a time I was quite a small boy (which is strange to think about seeing as I'm now over 6ft). My brother & his friends used to be playing card games & I would sit there & watch. I used to love watching them play games but, of course, I wanted to join in. To me it was cool because he was my Big Brother.
But whenever I was allowed to join in... I used to make mistakes because I didn't really understand the game. I used to do things I wasn't supposed to. Such as putting the wrong card down or going when it wasn't my go or just simply... constantly losing.
With them being teenagers & me just a wee lad (wee as in small... Not what I know some of you are thinking) they used to love taking the mickey out of me. I'd get embarrassed & upset - Which would result in me being in a strop.
Ever since then I've been wary of card games... Because some card games are just luck... & others require bluffing, planning & being observant of opponents. With card games you end up having so many rules... Some of which you end up forgetting.
When I got a bit older I used to give card games a go & try to laugh it off whenever things went wrong. It didn't affect me anymore.
The Update
Life has come down hard on me since then : - family, death, relationships, education, work etc etc But lets just say... I have entered the world of depression & am currently fighting my way out (& if I do say so myself... I am making progress).
But I am not coping well in social situations. Oh sure I live with my girlfriend & at work I'm always surrounded by people (albeit middle aged people who don't "get" me) & I even try to help out at youth groups while looking at other volunteering opportunities involving working with people. But when it comes to being surrounded by people of my own age group (give or take some years) who are on the same level as me... It becomes so much more difficult.
I've never really had the gift of gab, I'd always rather just listen to what the other person has to say. But as a society we can't do that. When someone gives to you, you need to give back - I struggle with that so much. There was a time when I get loosened up & can chat, laugh, joke etc. But these days... I freeze. (Unless I've got a bit of alcohol in me... Sometimes...)
I'm probably such a bore. Which is why I'm also incredibly wary about meeting up with people. Sure I meet up with The Amazing Becca every week & I try to ask questions & talk about as much as possible. But that's because I feel comfortable with her. It's just one to one. Nice & simple. When I'm with her (& the girlfriend of course) I feel like my old, confident, teen self.
When it's in groups my manner is: quiet, contemplative & simply kept to myself.
Earlier on today I decided to go to Church (as you do on your day off) because of all the progress I've been making, I thought I could handle it with a smile & be my old self again. To my surprise I was invited round someone's house for Sunday Lunch.
The young adults & a few of the youth at church started to play card games. Personally... I wanted to run away & that be that. But I decided that I have coped with card games in the past so hopefully I'd be able to cope... Uh Oh...
I kept making mistakes... Which, naturally, dampened my already soaked spirits. Because it was a social situation they'd of course make jokes. I understood this completely. I probably would joke as well if I were them. But it still affected me & I'm not sure why. I found it so hard to focus & kept making more & more mistakes.
Where ever I am, whatever I'm doing, whoever I'm with... If I make a mistake... Every sense of my being just wants to run, hide & cry.
I admit that I did enjoy playing cards. When I finally fully understand the rules... I do enjoy it. But when it gets competetive... things go downhill for me. I suppose it just reminds me of how my brother would always beat me at whatever I did & take the p*** about it (& beat me up as well) so I became scared of losing. But that never made me determined to win sadly, it would just make me scared of losing.
I came so close to crying today. Being in that uncomfortable social situation... I felt so drained. Sure I had been working a 12 hour shift the day before so felt shattered & haven't had more than 5 hours sleep a night for almost a week. I ended up cancelling on the Sunday Lunch so I could get some sleep & try to sort myself out.
So my readers... This is how I'm sorting it out... By typing it up. I refuse to give up though, I need to have people in my life. So I will keep working at it. I know it'll take time but in the end it will be worth it.
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