Fabulous Friday Fives

This is going to seem like a really out of the blue, completely random blog.

But you see, I'm inspired.

I'm inspired by the "Ten Things I'm Thankful For Tuesday" blog done by the fabulous Becca Dean
& the "Thanks on Thursday" blog done by the lovely Claire Maxwell.

So here I go... about to list five reasons why today is a FABULOUS day!!!

1.) It is 11/11/11 - How cool is that?!?! We wont get to experience this day for another 100 years when it'll be 11/11/111 (because it'll be the year 2111 & I have no idea how they'll decide to record the years - whether it'll start again & be 11/11/11 or they'll go up in hundreds & the day will be 11/11/111 but never mind.

This day is still a special day for weirdos like me who find it extra special. Then again some people (the same sort of people who thought 06/06/06 was judgement day) believe today is the end of the world - well it sucks to be you people because that's just depressing.

Although I have to give it to you! If today was the end of the world & you truly believed that it was... hopefully you lived life up to this moment as amazingly as possible (which, to be honest, you should be doing anyway)

2.) Tonight is the Rootz Youth Film Club in Chorleywood!!! Oh yeah!!! I love this time of the month. Why? Because once I've helped set up all the bits & bobs I get to sit down in the most amazing coffee shop in the area (I am not joking. It is AMAZING) & have a much needed cup of coffee or treat myself to a lovely Oreo Milkshake & watch a film. It may be an old film or it may be a new film BUT BUT BUT it doesn't matter.

The company is lovely, the drinks & snacks are lush, the films are pretty awesome (if I do say so myself) & it's just such a pleasant way to spend a Friday night. Oh yeah & the youth are alright too.

This would be us setting up :) This picture is found on Becca Dean's review of the coffee shop xx

3.) The fact that I haven't experienced everything in this world. That is something so incredibly random to find fabulous. But seriously... IT IS!!!

There I was sitting in Rootz (see above) having a coffee (a sort of warm up coffee before the film club... oh & chit chats with the lovely Claire x) & I hear about all sorts of things I could do & have never experienced. I heard more about The Rex Cinema which I really can't wait to go to one day soon. It looks so effing good!

I heard more about this pinterest hullabaloo - which was first explained to me earlier in the week by Becca. I find myself wanting to experience it. Whether I like it or not doesn't matter. It's something to try.

Then, finally, I was reintroduced to charity shops. I know that sounds daft but listen... You can walk past a charity shop & think "oh all that stuff looks crap because it's not brand new". Have an open mind please! Because you can walk into a charity shop & you can find the most amazing things... a brilliantly designed pack of cards... beautifully designed mugs... a cheap jacket that is of amazing quality etc. Because I have discovered this... I am going to charity shops more often.

They're so cool!

4.) I survived a day at work.

You see... I work in a taxi firm answering the telephones whenever someone rings for a cab. But it can be a mentally exhausting job because I'm stuck in a little cabin outside a train station & I have to put up with drivers, who are mostly middle-aged or older, moaning about this, that & the other! Also, my coworkers can be rather difficult at times. Oh & the passengers... some are nice... others are rude.

But today... nothing got to me. I joked, I worked, I had a longer lunch break than I was meant to & I got in later than I should.

All in all... a good day!

5.) Finally today is fabulous because I have so much to look forward to over the next few months.

From cinema trips to meals to the most random of things with the lovely Girlfriend & lovely friends.

It's going to be epic!

Me

This is about me.

Who am I? The answer is: I'm seriously messed up.

I suffer from anxiety that strikes me in the most annoying situations (For example: social situations, being in locations I'm not familiar with etc).

I have a small family that has been through so much & one side of my family is still so distant. I'm trying to rebuild it for myself... because I miss them. I miss them so much & I'm afraid that when my friends leave me... I'll be all alone. I need family to support me... & the only ones who have any hope of understanding me... of supporting me... have either died... or lost contact.

A person who means a great deal to me is leaving my life... as so many other people have done in the past... & I'm scared that, like all those other people, contact will be lost & it'll feel like they were never in my life in the first place...

I'm scared that everyone else who is currently in my life will see me for what I am (or as someone I know would say: What I believe I am) & that they'll run away.

I'm also scared that people are hidden behind masks. That the mask they're waring is a smile but underneath... they're truly laughing at me. Laughing at my weight... my looks... my mistakes... my stupidity... everything.

I hate my job. Sure it's ideal because the pay is good & I'm able to do other things as well as work such as youth work, films, admin, social etc. But I hate it. I work with idiots. Idiots who fart & don't care even though it makes me feel sick. Idiots who smoke around me & don't care. Idiots who take the piss out of me constantly. Idiots who belittle me. Idiots who moan constantly about money & about work. Everything gets to me & it's mentally exhausting for 6 days a week.

I'm jealous of everyone. I swim in a sea of envy. I envy people's confidence. I envy people's family. I envy people's friends. I envy people's jobs. I envy almost everything about everyone. Because they're not me.

I feel so little in the world that I feed off attention & admiration. I wish that I could have some sort of recognition. But no. That will not happen.

I fear my future because I know more pain is coming my way soon. I think my Gran is going to die soon, she always looks so weak. I'm scared of going to the Doctor's because I'm afraid of what they'll tell me... that I have some illness that I don't even know about...

This is my life. This is what I think about everyday. & it drives me insane.

There's nothing quite like a busy weekend

Thursday night - Time to challenge myself

Well lets see now. I started my evening off with chicken & mushroom sauce with rice - a rather odd concoction from my bizarre but lovely girlfriend.


Then I decided to dive into the deep end & volunteer at a different youth group. I've considered doing this before but the time just never seemed right because of my err anxiety issues. I did attend before but no one turned up which, to me, felt like a sign. Nevertheless last Thursday I went along to a Film Night at the Youth Group (My speciality if I do say so myself) so I brought along some DVDs & see what I thought.


The youth aren't really my cup of tea. I mean they're not the sort of people I'd hang out with regularly. I suppose if I were to stereotype them (which I try to avoid doing) I'd call them "chav". This doesn't mean I dislike them. Far from it. It just means they may find it difficult to relate with me if that makes sense?


Anyway... moving on...


They all started watching a film & I stayed in the kitchen talking with one of the Ladies who runs the Youth Group to find out more about it (because I'm a nosey sod). I have to admit it does sound really good. One of the youth came in & started talking with the Youth Leader about all sorts of gossipy stuff & I loved it. I didn't say anything because they didn't know me & I didn't feel it was my place but I did love hearing about their lives (& while this was going on I was enjoying the most amazing sweet popcorn EVER!!!).


By the end of the evening I really did feel like this is something I could try to help out with... this is something I want to give a go. Sure it may blow up in my face (like the Prince's Trust Programme) but if I stuck at it... Maybe, just maybe, I could make some positive difference to these Youth's lives. Time will tell!

Friday - Fright Night @ Chessington



Such a busy day! I woke up at 6:30am so I could have a shower & relax for a little bit (some time on the Xbox too hehe) but then off I went to Chessington for a day out with my regular Youth Group.


Because it was Fright Night & Halloween was approaching - the Theme Park was PACKED! Not joking... We had to park in a field because their normal car park was overflowing that much! (My SatNav was not amused). Then into the Theme Park we went.


I was put in charge of my own little Youth Squad. The only little problem with my Squad was one particular young person who I shall call... Tarzan :) Tarzan is a very impatient person. He decided that 30 mins was far too long to be in a queue & so he complained. & complained. & complained. But he soon learnt that 30 mins in a queue... is a blessing compared to the other queues that day.


All in all it was a great time at the Theme Park. Many people conquered fears. One youth went on a ride for the very first time! One youth leader decided to headbutt a sign. Two lads dressed up in a shirt & tie as a statement - oh dear. But what was the most pleasant part is that I got chatting to the Youth & the other Youth Leaders & it was great. I began to feel so comfortable with them & loved hearing everything they'd talk about. It was great.

Not only that but... Chessington was the first Theme Park I went to where I could actually go on the rides (my family used to go to Alton Towers but I was always too young) so it was strange walking around the place remembering being there going on the rides for the first time over a decade ago!

The only downside to this time at Chessington was...
Getting a phone call at 6pm asking me to work a 12 hour shift the very next day!
& the last ride...

 Quite a lot of the Youth & Leaders went off around 6pm - a nice sensible time. But one group wished to stay to go on the Vampire Ride which I decided to go on as well. How foolish of me! The queue time said 100 mins... It felt so much longer. Sure the ride was fun to do in the dark... but the queueing was murder! Each time we believed to be getting closer to the ride... we discovered we were still aaaaages away. This did not bode well... Especially as the Girlfriend & I had a dinner appointment with some people at 9pm & we were still queueing at 8:30pm lol

Friday Night - Dinner with the Peeps!

Once we eventually rode Chessington... I had about 15 mins to travel 43 miles... Yeah that was impossible. My SatNav was no help either. I was in a queue of cars on our way out of the car park (the only way out) & my SatNav wanted me to do a U-Turn... Oh dear!

But I would not give up... & I did end up late... but only by 15 mins. I had never concentrated on driving so much in my life!

By the time we reached Frankie & Benny's the peeps were already in convo & laughing together. The girlfriend & I sat down but I already felt so out of place. I know I should have made the effort & talked but it was so difficult to do! Why? I had spent a whole day surrounded by people & I was just so... tired. Not only that but do you ever feel like you just need some time to yourself? To mellow? Well that's how I felt. I hope I didn't spoil any one's evening - there's always that fear.

Saturday - The most boring day at work ever!

After 4 hours sleep I woke up at 5am & headed off to work for 6am. At work in a cab firm... You can have so many different type of days...
You can be busy where the phones are constantly ringing & you just want to yank your hair out.
You can have a steady day where the phone rings here & there... The cars are moving to-and-fro...
Or the most boring shift imaginable...

Where the phone is hardly ringing... you have 10 taxis sitting outside the office... & you have taxi drivers moaning on & on & on.

The only blessing about Saturday is because I felt so unbelievable tired... for some reason... time seemed to be moving quite steadily.

So my readers! That was my weekend. Sunday isn't worth mentioning because I spent the day either at the Pub with Girlfriend & Dad or on the Xbox.

I hope you found it riveting!

So laugh in your loneliness, child of the wilderness... Learn to be lonely

I'm not quite sure what to say in this blog post.

I'm not even sure what real reasons I have for typing it.

But I just have this need (no... not the Need for Speed)

A need to express myself & all the things flying through my mind at the moment.

Life has been difficult for me over the past 6 years or so. Back when I was 15 I had life as I knew it changed in so many ways. The comfort & support of my home was taken away. The seeming immortality of my family was removed. I began to see how dark this world could really get & how far a person could really fall. My dear bloggers... I did fall so very far & as I look back... I loath whom I became.

I became so angry at the world & I hated life so much. I wanted everyone to suffer... Including myself. I suffered with self harm... anorexia... & severe attention seeking. I wanted the world to feel my pain...

But at the same time... I wanted the world to love me... I wanted someone to take away the pain & to make me feel better. But no one could, not really. Oh sure they tired of course & I will forever be grateful for that. But I was still in so much pain.

So how am I now? Well to be honest... I'm still suffering.

Yes I am older & hopefully stronger but I still feel such sadness & pain over the relationships & the different environments that were taken from me.

But the thing is... these situations are still happening... & it sucks!

I am someone who is unlikely to drastically change my location... I could never do what my Brother did & just relocate to Nottingham.

But that is a bit of a curse. Because other people... are constantly moving on & leaving me - I just can't handle it.

I used to have so many friends... I had such a close family... But that's all gone now.

Some of it is my fault, I admit that. But a lot of it was out of my control

I felt like I've been getting my life back - I've been making plans & meeting up with people. I've been rebuilding my crumbled social life & I've been trying to feel good.

But people... have gone to Uni... & others are moving away... & it is just so hard to deal with.

In many ways I'm jealous because they're doing what I could never do...

In other ways I'm horrible because I wish they'd hate whatever they're doing & come back...

But mainly... I'm scared. I'm scared of being alone. Of having to be in charge of my own life without anyone to take my hand... to hold me when I cry (yes I am a crying man) & to remind me of who I am & not who I'm scared of becoming (that angry, violent, depressing, manipulative person I used to be).

One day I foresee that I'll be standing alone on a street & I'll have nowhere to go.

I know I need to grow up & stop being so selfish... everyone has a right to go out & do their own thing.

Perhaps I do need to try & learn to be lonely... But I can't help it. Everytime someone goes away I miss them so much. I miss knowing they're there.

.

I'm sorry this blog has been one major rant.

I'm sorry if I upset or offended anyone.

I'm sorry I am so messed up.

But...

To those who have left & are at Uni... I am forever thinking of you & so proud that you are working so hard on achieving so much.

To those who will be leaving soon... I am going to miss you so much. When you leave I will cry. But I will also be jealous. But more than anything else... I will be forever grateful for everything you've done in my life over the years & hope you will touch other people's lives in the exact same way.

To all my friends near & far... I love you all so much. I don't ever want to grow distant from you. You are all forever in my heart... Please know that

Movie Magic

Some would call me a film maniac. I'm not too sure I agree with that. Sure I buy DVDs I think look interesting & I know I'd like... Sure I go to the cinema whenever I can because I love the whole popcorn, trailer, film experience... But a film maniac... I'm not too sure about that...

YEAH RIGHT!!!

I love films. I love the imagination. The creativity. The effort. I love everything about film.

But this blog post is going to be fairly simple... I love watching trailers for films I'm looking forward to. So I'm going to list the films, say when they're out & maybe, just maybe, someone will offer to go with me to see them!

The Three Musketeers - Already released in cinema

 Johnny English Reborn - Already released in cinema (Yes I've already seen it but would love to see it again!!!)



Tinker, Taylor, Soldier, Spy - Already released in Cinema



Anonymous - 28th October 2011

The Adventures of Tintin: Secret of the Unicorn - 26th October 2011

Machine Gun Preacher - 2nd November 2011

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1 - 18th November 2011

Puss in Boots - 9th December 2011



Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows - 16th December 2011

Coriolanus - Set to release late 2011/early 2012



The Woman in Black - 10th February 2011



The Avengers - 27th April 2012



The Amazing Spider-Man - 4th July 2012



Well for the time being that is all the films I can think of. If you have any recommendations then let me know!!!



I promise I wont let you down if you take my hand tonight

It's weird how our minds our programmed to respond to various situations we come across. If we're attacked or in danger then we have the "Fight or Flight" response to it. If we're upset we either bottle it in or break down & cry. But what do we do (I'm using the "Royal We" here... & no I don't mean the "Royal Wee"... who'd want to see Liz on the loo?) if we're presented with a situation that requires ourselves to give up a part of ourselves... our time, our money, our knowledge, our experience etc... then what would be the normal response?


If I was to be honest (which is the whole point of my blogging) I could honestly say I don't know what the normal response is. All I can tell you is what my response is.


Last night I received a phone call at 10pm asking whether I'd be able to work the next day & night (so all in all doing an 18 hour shift give or take) because the person who was meant to do the night shift had let my Dad down, yet again I might add, so asked me. Now the problem with my "programming" is that if I foresee that I could be available, even if I do not want to do it, I still accept because I'm scared of letting them down & feeling that it is my fault.


Times like that I hate.


But there are other times when I'm asked to help out with things for my own enjoyment (which you have to admit is the best kind of help) such as... off the top of my head... helping out with youth work.


Sure youth work can drive me (& probably the Youth Worker) a little bit crazy at times. But it really is such a privilege to watch these teenagers have fun & grow up. You get the situations when we're doing social/physical activities where some of the teens get a little out of hand (off the top of my head... experimenting with different ways to play golf... even if it's not their go) but you get to have so much fun.


Those times I do love & I love the people I get to work with :)


Of course then there are the times when you're asked for help & you want to. Such as being asked to read or write speeches... being asked to help set up for various things like Film Clubs etc... & I agree to do them when I can because I like pleasing people.


Then then then there are the times where I don't think. Where everything gets put to the side & I just do it. Where I've had to leave work or cancel plans without any real thought of the consequences. Yeah when I read that it does seem quite stupid but I feel such a pain in my chest if I don't do it & it just eats at me.... This is when someone is in trouble... physically or emotionally... or even if they need a lift somewhere... Off I go to rush to their side. One day this could be the death of me but alas... it's in my programming.


There have been times where I've had to run (& walk when I was out of breath) to some one's side during a family crisis after I had a knackering day at school. I've had to leave work halfway through the day to try & comfort someone who was also having an emotional time. I once drove from home to an area I was completely clueless about (& I got lost as well... I refused to use the SatNav... Idiot).


I hope I'm a dependable person & it really does kill me sometimes that I can't be available all the time. I wish I could do more for people. But there are times (especially the last 2 years) where I just don't have the energy or I need to focus on myself instead of others and I hate it so much.


Some of my proudest moments have been when I help people. There have been many sins I've committed over the years & although I've begged for forgiveness (from people... from God...) I still believe that I need to make up for it... even though I refuse to forgive myself...


So there is my blog about how I let people depend on me &... essentially... how I depend on people. Sorry if it's a bit of a ranting blog again but I hope you enjoyed it :)

Diary of a Wimpy Kid

Dear Diary,

Throughout my life there have been many situations. I have witnessed family break ups, bullying, abandonment, death, hospitals & depression (which I've apparently been through myself - or so the doctor's have told me).
   Thanks to my experiences of all things crappy I have also been labled many things: depressed, angry, user, bully, manipulator, manwhore, immature, superhero, rock & various other things. So thanks to the support of friends I have been to see Doctor's & Counsellors to deal with these things I've been through.
    I've been with my latest Counsellor for quite a few months now and we discuss all sorts of things from holidays to families to christmas to school to work to people. I have even discussed with him my routines... How I'm picky about food, that I get a bit frustrated if my routines get broken. We even discuss how I sometimes notice even the smallest things about my surroundings (such as I can notice when a window in a room is not shut properly) and how I'm never comfortable if things aren't quite how they should be.
    An example of that being something like... The thought of camping terrifies me because I can't bare to think of not being in a bed... not being able to have decent toilet or shower facilities... I have even been to sleepovers where I try to sleep on sofas of floors & I can't sleep at all so I end up leaving in the middle of the night.

    So after explaining all these various routines & mannerisms etc over time, my Counsellor developed an interesting theory that he finally shared with me last night. He said I show the traits of someone with Autism.
   Now that statement didn't really throw me. I'm sure it would throw more normal people but not moi. Why? Well...
    During my time at the Prince's Trust when I was helping to run a Personal Development Team Programme I came across a young lad with quite severe Autism. I became quite interested in how he'd perceive things & his reactions. I began to notice similiarities between him & myself so considered that maybe I could be Autistic too & that's why I've always felt odd.
    Hopefully my Counsellor is mistaken & I'm just an odd chap. I know I'm not Autistic but I could just simply be more Autistic than most other people if that makes sense?

   I took an online test... Average people score around 16 & I got 22 whereas people with Autism score 32 or higher. I find it's a load of codswallop!!! How on Earth can you answer questions like that honestly? You can try but, in my opinion, it always depends on the situation & on my mood.
    Such as: "I enjoy social chitchat" - Do you strongly agree? Slightly agree? Slight disagree? Strongly disagree? Umm... IT DEPENDS ON HOW I'M FELLING!!!

    I hate tests like that so much. I remember taking a similiar test at the Doctor's for depression & I find them sooooo annoying. Plus, maybe other people have different opinions to myself on the answers?

Okay time for me to calm down now... I'm not sure what to do next. I know I'm not a fully fledged Autistic person. I'm not even sure I'm slightly Autistic. Perhaps I have a normalish personality that mirrors Autism. The way I understand it is... If I was Autistic... It's not something that's majorly affecting my life. So I am planning to go on with my life as normal.

Thank you Diary, you have been most helpful in letting me rant my thoughts about this :)